Prologue ( 3/3/2011)
The context now is beyond me. But what I had written so long ago to me still tells me something about who I was. It's as if I have gone through time and saw the someone that I wish I still was. Still soft. Not hardened by battle or as cold and uninterested. Many things have changed in four years. I wish I was as informed as the tenderfoot below. I can't express myself as eloquently anymore.
03/06/2008
Part 1
Imagine if hearts had warranties? or love was like a trading game. well more then it is already. or like good china? people might be more careful if love was a physical thing.. I guess it kinda is. I mean like if love was not abstract. if it wasn't an idea. if it was something that could be held. I'm not talking like a necklace that you wear to impress people. love isn't good jewelery. you don't just put it in a drawer every night when you go to bed. Imagine if love was not a joke. like it was actually something serious for a change. if it wasn't a game of ping pong. where you compete with the other one on and off hoping to get your opponent at just the right angle where they miss a hit and you get points. Imagine if love was mutual. not just a hodgepodge of emotions built at random places that create a fortress of dishonesty. Imagine if love wasn't a weapon. where you throw it around over your head like a sling at your enemies. what if love wasn't blind. you would actually know where you were going for once in your life. what if love wasn't a mouse trap. where you could just get the cheese and not get hurt from the repercussions. what if love wasn't a good thing. what if it was something to fear and not look forward to. what if it was something no body wanted. like a sock with no partner. what if love was like time it never stopped for you and would keep going whether you liked it or not. what if it was a cushion? its would shield you from a hard fall. what if love was a choice. not just something that comes with out knowing. what if love was an action? would it speak louder then words? is love worth the struggle? is it worth the hope? is it worth all the damage? my answer is yes. love is a persistent answer with no real question. it's the meaning of life it's both it's alpha and omega. all life starts with love and ends with love. "to be or not to be that is the question."
Part 2
is it a virtue to have no regrets? does it exemplify ones serenity? I gripe with regrets. and am so plagued with my mistakes. I have many regrets and I am ashamed by the many actions that have ensured my humanity. for one to say they have no regrets would appear as if one opted to make a mistake. or does it assure ones certainty. does having no regrets give the illusion of strength and if so does it invoke a sense of pride for possible grimy actions. but I would like to think I am mistaken. perhaps to have no regrets would mean that you've come to terms with your action. That even though you were at fault. that you did a horrible thing. you've accepted your own humanity. or perhaps if we all regret what we did. we would not be able to focus on what we got from it. whether it be piece of mind or it was for the greater good. to live with regrets would be as useful as living still in the past. I live my life with regrets. but I don't ever wish to correct them if I had a chance. be it stubbornness or acceptance of my wrongs for that reason.
Part 3
when your problems are all but dead. you could collect all your problems. put them all in a coffin. bury them. leave them for dead. and like lies told ages ago. they break free from their tombs. return to your life and take their revenge. a healed heart becomes once again ripped from your chest. a sound mind, consumed by these thoughts. thoughts your left for dead. thoughts you buried alive out of despair. you cant murder your problems in one hopeless attempt. I can run from these things. I can even hide. but when I'm at the bridge. between hope and unrest. the latter will take my place. and I will become one for them to bury.
Part 4
You could lead a horse to water, but never make it drink. So you throw it in the water. and vainly watch it sink. you stand there acting stoic. it's movements make you think. I never should have fought her. she sank with just one blink.
Part 5
-Finale it's experiences that are testament to reality. one can think any thought and be thoughtful. Give the world more then a sigh of desperation. do not burden yourself with callous thoughts of hope. It's better to die then to live for one reason alone. Because to die is to let go. and to let go is to accept. and with acceptance nothing more can do you harm. the gravity of attention sparks valid reactions toward our surreal natures and we denounce our sensations by merely coursing the range of emotions that flow through thoughts and unexpectedly become actions. I was subject to such experiences and was forthright with my actions. and now, I would not have the nerve to say sorry, but I know you'd have the nerve to forgive me.
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